Dec 17 2008
This isn’t the life I wanted but it’s mine!
While me and my fiance were Christmas shopping last weekend we ended up getting lost which took an hour away from shopping but it gave us an hour together with nothing to do but ride and talk. It’s rare that we have even five minutes to talk to eachother without one of the three rugrats interrupting so we took advantage of it. Watching all the houses go by all lit up with Christmas decorations, listening to songs of the holiday coming over the radio while I sat in the car with my fiance who still after 14 years holds my hand while he drives down the road and humors me by answering all of my off the wall questions with a smile on his face I took that moment to ask him if he was living the life he always pictured.
His answer… “Yes except maybe financially” “I always pictured myself with you, with kids, living around here maybe not exactly like we are but yes.”
Do I believe him? To a point… I mean no one is living the life they dreamed because as humans we are never happy (smile) but I know he was being honest and of course then it was my turn. He asked me and I sat silent for a moment…
“uh oh there’s the silence” he said with concern.
Finally I was able to tell him in the nicest way possible that my life is nothing like I dreamed of. I never pictured myself getting pregnant at 16 having our son at 17! I had my life planned out, I was going to New York and living in a studio apartment while attending college to become a social worker. I would marry and have children and raise them somewhere far from the town we now live in, which we both grew up in. We would have a white house on a huge piece of land with a weeping willow tree in the corner of the yard. I pictured myself with two kids not three and a dog that grew old with me.
So my dream life is nothing like my reality but does that make me any less happy? Well maybe just a little. I love all three of my kids, I wouldn’t want to have it any other way! I had my dog that was growing old with me but he got run over and now I have my bull mix which is a dog I never thought I’d have in my home but I’ve come to love her more then I thought possible. I live in a house that is nothing but a constant headache with all the problems it has but it’s in the country far away from the dangers of people fighting across the street and having a stray bullet come thru my yard or worrying about the kids going walking or playing in the neighborhood and being taken since there is no neighborhood! I have pictured myself growing old with my fiance since the day we met but so much has happened with us that vision seems so blurry at times yet I love the way his eyes still light up the minute he sees me or how even after I’ve cleaned all day and smell like a dead mule he tells me I’m beautiful. I will be starting college again this spring to finish up my degree even though it’s not in NY it’ll still be my degree.
So sure my life isn’t what I expected, dreams have come and gone but God has opened many doors in my life and blessed me in ways I never imagined. There’s nothing I would change because everything has made me who I am today. If you’re struggling with the fact that your life isn’t what you thought it would be just stop and look around at what you do have. I’m sure there are so many people that would love to have the life you are wishing were different.
